We’ve been fighting for so long. Every experience chipping away something from me. I don’t feel the same. I’ve changed. What do I do when I look in the mirror and I’m met with a brokenness that I don’t want to recognise. I have lost who I was. I’ve lost myself. Things are not how they’re supposed to be.
What do I do? Who do I run to when no one sees me. I don’t recognise my own self. Who do I trust when I don’t trust my own self? Doubts cloud my mind. I’m now chipping away at myself. Damaging the only shell that’s left. I’ve only got myself. No one is coming. No one can find me. They don’t know. I am far from who they see. Far from who they believe. Empty. Full of life or full of strife? All I know is that I have to fight. Reach out and try to save my inner child. They need to be seen. Need to be felt. To be believed, protected and healed. A chance to live. For without them, I am nothing. It’s all meaningless. We’re worth it. Come on darling, we got this. Look up. Fix your lense. It’s time we clean up this mess.
This one has haunted me. For a while now. Ever had something you knew you had to do, but for the life of you couldn’t explain why you’re not doing it? This was me with writing today’s topic of discussion: Forgiveness. I have struggled with the act itself for a long time now. It’s easy to say ‘forgive’. Most of us have heard the phrase: Forgive and forget. It’s annoying isn’t it? No? Good for you.
Truth is, I am grateful that I’m at a better point in my life where I understand what forgiveness is, all that entails and how to go about it. It would be incredibly selfish of me not to share the little knowledge I’ve acquired thus far, so here goes!
Forgiveness, in simple terms is letting go of resentment, negative emotions towards a person/yourself/group that has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness or not.
Hopefully the definition makes it clear on what is required. I don’t know about you, but for the longest time it was a paradox trying to figure out how to gauge if I’ve forgiven or not. For some reason I had built a whole complex situation around it. I suppose I wasn’t ready. But, here we are.
Without further ado, I present you: The guide/steps to forgiveness.
1.) Awareness and acknowledgement.
Stop running/hiding/distracting yourself from the fact that there’s a problem. You’ve been hurt/betrayed. Recognise your feelings about the situation. Don’t try to mask your emotions. Feel them, be aware of them. As you do this, you’re acknowledging the situation and yourself.
2.) Comparison.
Now we often do this unintentionally/unknowingly. Replay what has happened and try to re-create reality with ‘should haves’/’if only’ and the likes. It’s a painful and tiring affair. It never changes anything, only consumes your energy, time and is a distraction from dealing with the situation. The phrase ‘It is what it is’ comes to mind. They are who they are/they did what they did. No amount of wishing it didn’t happen can ever change that.
3.) Boundaries.
This is where you need to show up for yourself. Do the guarding and protecting from further harm. The best way to do this is by creating boundaries. Know thyself i.e: Your values, principles, what you can handle, what you cannot handle, protect you at all costs. I’m a firm believer that the measures we take to protect our peace, are never too extreme. The best fortitude you can build is within your mind. Yes it’s great if you’re in a position to move far away from those that hurt you but life has a funny way of reminding/confronting you with that which you’re trying to escape from, if you don’t deal with it.
Unfortunately, for most of us the people we need to forgive are those closest to us on a daily basis. Hence the love from a distance cannot apply. Unless, you apply the distance within your mind. It is possible. E.g: Limit your energy and the time you spend with them to what is necessary for the relationship. If it’s your work/family. Don’t overextend yourself.
Additional note: Creating boundaries will protect you from further situations that cause you harm.
Extra additional note: If the person you need to forgive is yourself? Set boundaries from the negative emotions/thought process you’ve created. That toxic conversation you have with you? It’s not criticism, you somewhere blurred the lines and now it’s self-hate. Allow the vulnerable and broken part of you to have a fair voice. They deserve peace. They deserve forgiveness too.
4.) Re-focus.
Forgiveness has to do with letting go. Stop holding on. The best way to do this is by re-focusing your time, energy and thoughts from them. Filling up the space/emptiness/void they created/left when they did what they did, with new self-care activities: i.e hobbies, journaling, physical activity, traveling, wait a minute! How can I forget the mother of all self-care activities?! Shame on me. Therapy people! Therapy greatly helps. (Shameless plug: contact us for the best guide and help for therapy services.)
Conclusion.
I’ve never come across an actual guide to forgiveness. I am sure they exist, somewhere. However, the above is one of the straightforward guides you’ll come across. Practice as often as possible and you’ll eventually get the hang of it. Practice with your delivery person the next time they delay your order. The ‘small’ stuff does amount to something. Building your fortitude remember? Re-wire your brain into creating a habit and eventually you won’t have to fight yourself too much when going through the process of forgiveness.
There! The best gift I can give you. It’s unmatched isn’t it?! You’re welcome, beautiful soul.
I am very good at justifying myself. In painting a strong case without any reasonable doubt that indeed, I am not to be blamed.
However, at the end of the day. I know the truth.
I remember listening to a powerful poem a few weeks ago and it’s stuck on my mind every single day since.
A line that struck a chord or more so slapped me hard in the face that I am still trying to recover. It was:
“And I know I’m not doing well when the poems come naturally because apparently I’m not a good enough writer to capture life’s happiness”
Yeah, I am a recovering overthinker and this, this right here led me to backtrack every single piece I’ve ever written. Ever since high-school, every little thing I’ve written has been drawn from pain, sadness, longing. It is funny but at the end of the day it really isn’t. What does that say about me? I’m a therapist but before all that, I am human.
Maybe the problem is that I try to look at every little thing under the microscope of who I think I am perceived as. Who I am expected to be. What fits right.
I have a feeling I digress from my original train of thought. Yes, not being able to write from a happy stand point. Even when I am doing well and I want to write something, I have to draw from something heart-wrenching, emotional. Whether that means I play sad music, a well-known emotional show, whatever it takes to get me to that head space. That is what I am used to. It flows easily, naturally. I am comfortable with pain. It knows me, I know it, we understand each other.
And I think unfortunately most of us have that. A feeling that we’re so used to that even when we’re healed and there’s nothing wrong with our life, we find ourselves gravitating unconsciously back to it. Sadness, chaos, fear. It’s your friend. You’ve camped with them for the most part of your life that letting it go, turns to a toxic cycle where it is difficult. Maybe we’ve convinced ourselves it’s impossible to go on with life without it. That all you had to do was to get a grasp of it, manage it. Otherwise, there’s no harm right? There’s no harm. Yes? No? I don’t know.
Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to work on it, figure it out. What isn’t broken doesn’t need fixing. Oh this is wrong. This is so wrong. But come on, nobody’s perfect. What would happen if I dealt with all my issues and was perfectly healed? Perfection. No, I can’t put that much pressure on people. They have to relate to me. I have to leave a little bit of imperfection so that I don’t turn into a condescending, judgemental, human being.
I laugh at myself. This thought process is funny, I am funny. But then again, this is real talk. Unfiltered, honest, real talk. Maybe I should do more of this. I love how right now, words are flowing easily. I don’t have to think about how I need to cater to every single personality that reads my piece. I can just be free, at this moment, me.
I know I haven’t solved anything with all I’ve just said, but that was not the point. I don’t know what the point was however, like I love to say, the first step is awareness and acknowledgement. The rest, we’ll figure it out. Before any strategy, you need to know what you’re working with. Hopefully this encourages you to look at your own spec. What is that not-so-healthy emotion, feeling, that you’ve gotten comfortable with? Want to do something about it? For me, the verdict is still out on that one. However, now that I’ve made it public? I doubt I have a choice. But that’s an issue for another day. Hey! Progress, not perfection. That’s been my latest mantra. I won’t commit to anything, but I hope to see you soon.
When did we start equating our worth by how much we’re accepted, needed, valued. We want so badly for people to not recognize our flaws, weakness, and humanity. How much do we spend on covering it up? The lengths we go to, denying and hiding our true self to maintain the image we label, perfection. We know it’s unattainable yet we still invest in it. Our time, energy, if possible, money. It is draining and suffocating trying to maintain this life, but we choose it. We give it power, feed into it, hence, we choose it. Whether driven by greed, fear, whatever it is, was your choice. To fake it.
It’s not that bad. We’ve done it most of our lives, it’s become almost as easy as breathing. As kids we’re conditioned that certain behaviour wields favourable results. Through observation, imitation of those around us, they shape for better or worse who we mould into. I guess if we are to award blame we could easily wash away the guilt and responsibility of who we are. The imperfect version is us. The if only notions could justify who we’ve become. It relieves the pressure. I can breathe a little better, even if it’s just for a moment. Self-pity turns to self-righteousness. I am owed, I was dealt the wrong card, it’s unfair.
It’s funny but when you think about it, most of us are driven by anger. There’s pain, but more-so anger. Anger of what we falsely believe to have happened wrongly. Maybe that’s why we religiously commit to right the wrong. Try to fix aspects of us, our environment, thinking that if we tweaked it a bit better, control this and that, it would all be different. It can all turn around. I can make up for what I never had, what I lost. Knowingly/unknowingly, we start faking it. Forcing ourselves into self-defined perfection, simultaneously dedicating to hiding and ridding our imperfection.
Would it be that bad if we chose to let go? Stopped maintaining, sustaining and hiding that which exhausts our soul. Unattainable standards that slowly rips and sinks us into a deep dark hole that seems to have no way out. It got a bit dark there, but it’s true. We’re slowly but surely betraying ourselves. Every time we choose to hide, we ridicule aspects of us that we’re ashamed of. Our flaws, imperfections. We will never be able to fully overcome unless we break the cycle. Otherwise, your life may accumulate to a series of faking it. Worse case scenario, you no-longer recognize yourself. You lose yourself to the point where you’ve sunk deeper and you don’t even know it. There’s no way out. It’s become your norm.
The chaos, madness, trauma that is life. I often found myself going through the motions of it. At times I was not aware, aware that I was only existing, not living. Go to school, try to get good grades, pick a good career, try to mould myself to fit that career, maintain a functioning relationship with family and friends. Somewhere in between try not to lose myself. It’s easy to forget you’re an individual. Forgetting my identity. Wait, who am I?
It’s all too much. The endless exhausting cycle that we label life. At what point do we say enough? Pause, take a breather, heal. Stop time?! How I wish that was possible. Truth is, there’s danger in letting things stay as is. We pick up experiences and relationships that shape us. To love, to lose, betrayed. The recipe for trauma. The pain and damage sticks with us. We may not recognize it at first but these events cause the mind and body to go at either fight, flight or freeze state. Personally, I was a proud member of the flight community. Lol. Any inconvenience that threatened my deluded state of sanity, norm, I ran.
I had created my own safe and happy bubble that helped me cope. The people I hung around, my environment, everything that I could shape, predict, control, was my safe space. I feared unpredictability, change. I still struggle with that. I got better when I learned and accepted the reasons that led me to how I took on life. But it was not an easy fit. It is scary when you make a mental decision to stop running, hiding, compartmentalizing, whatever it is you do to avoid facing you, all that you’re going through. Past, present, future. All of you.
Committing to understand the method of madness that is your life, is a necessity. With this, you will come to understand and hopefully accept that there’s purpose to the cycle and patterns that have shaped your life thus far. With that, maybe we can do better, heal and learn to control the pain, damage, harm that consumes us so to the point it overflows to the people around us. Those we care about.
Self-sabotage, self-destruction, all these are inevitable if we do not learn better coping mechanisms. What do you do when you’re stressed/conflicted? Those temporary fixes, are they healthy for you? A trick that can help you figure that out is by asking yourself; ‘if this negative feeling did not exist, would I still engage in this behaviour?’ ‘What’s my true motive in doing what I do?’. Asking the right questions is key.
So, I ask you, have you had enough? Are you tired yet? Think you can keep up with how you’ve been? If yes, I genuinely wish you the best of luck.You need it. The stubbornness and commitment you have in maintaining your deluded state of sanity, if you were to give only half of that energy to the process of overcoming, healing, then darling, a much more lighter life awaits. Perhaps breathing won’t have to feel like a chore anymore. And truly, isn’t that what we all want? Freedom.
It is unfortunate that most people live their lives without ever experiencing their physical state in full relaxation mode. It’s easy to tell someone to relax but what does that truly entail? Is there a rule, better yet a guide on the actual steps to take to achieve it? Well, don’t fret. I am here to help. The JESA guide helps you practise it anywhere, anytime. All you need is an intentional mind. So next time someone tells you or you think of telling someone to relax, or maybe you’re experiencing feelings of stress, tension or anxiety, here’s an actual guide that may help keep calm and reduce the muscle tension on your body.
The first important step is to know how to control your breathing. Intentionally focus all your attention to your breathing movements. It may help if you place one hand on your chest, the other on your stomach. Take slow regular breaths (through your nose if you can), breathe out slowly through pursed lips. Do this continually until there’s more movement on the hand on your stomach than the one on your chest. Using your hands is not necessary if you’ve mastered how to control your breathing, however, I especially prefer it cause it’s a way of embracing yourself, grounding yourself. I got me kind of situation. A psychological feeling that unconsciously does wonders.
While your breathing movements are in control, the next step is the checklist that inspired the name JESA:
Jaw
Ensure you’re not grinding your teeth. Feel your upper jaw detach from your lower jaw. Purse your lips slightly, exhale gently through them. Finally ensure your tongue is not resting at the roof of your mouth but at the bottom.
Eyes
Consciously ensure your eye movements are still. Whether you’re staring into something specific or closing your eyes. Minimal eye movement is key.
Shoulders
Take the weight of your shoulders. Literally. Drop your shoulders.
Ass
Yep! My favorite one. Quit squeezing your ass. Relax your ass muscles. As you exhale, feel yourself unclench. Most of us do it unintentionally and are not aware we’re going through life with a tight ass. I don’t mean to be funny. (maybe I do, lol) But it doesn’t make it any less true.
Conclusion
As I was coming up with this guide, one of the important factors I kept in mind was to keep it simple, easy to understand and straight to the point for anyone who reads it. I know how it feels to need a quick fix. There’s a reason why most people opt for a fast way to erase their problems. Have a headache? Take a pill, go on with the rest of your day. We rarely take time to be present and figure out if the symptom was as a result of a deeper issue other than just the physical manifestation of it. In all areas of your life, I urge you to stop relying on temporary fixes. Listen to your body. It’s speaking to you, trying to guide you. Don’t be quick to brush it off as ‘just another day at the office’ feeling. Restlessness, irritation, pain, tension, doesn’t have to be your norm. There is another version of you that can find peace within irregardless of the circumstances around you. The best way to do that is to align your mind with your body. Control your breathing, ensure the JESA muscles are relaxed, focus on the moment. Acquaint yourself with you. All of you. Awareness is power. I believe in you. You got this!
