By prinasieku

Conflict

I am not a fan of it. I try to avoid it like a plague if necessary. What do you do when you’ve done all the running and hiding, but it still catches up with you? There’s no escaping. It’s still there. Waiting. Kind of like a stare down contest. Who’s going to budge first? It’s plain obvious that it’s you.

You need to move. It’s in your way. Run in circles all you want but it’ll annoyingly jab at the back of your head until you finally give in. Conflict.
What about it do we detest it so?
The awkwardness? The unsettling out of place feeling? The exposure? Ah yes, that’s it. Being exposed. It rather strips you doesn’t it? When you address the conflict. The feeling of being naked, vulnerable, to the situation.

Oh and we hate that, don’t we?
We are human but don’t you dare imply that I have feelings? That I can be hurt? Embarrassed, in pain? Me? Show my weakness? Flaws? No no.. It’s okay if we imply that we all face that. As humans, rightfully so. But don’t go shining a spotlight on me!
I would much rather enjoy this delude state of sanity. Show everyone I am okay even when all I would rather do is scream, curse, fight. Burn it all to the ground. I am in pain, hurt, and ashamed. Feeling less than the image I portray.

I never really let my wounds heal. Perform a quick first-aid, so long as we’ve stopped the bleeding, let’s keep it moving. We got no time. The more time we give to it, the more we’re exposed. Tough it out! Walk it through. If you don’t think it, then it’ll not be it. So, avoid it, run away if you can. But, if all else fails, and the only way out is through? Then fake it darling! Don’t let it show how much it affects you. Under no circumstances are you to reveal your true feelings. No, we cannot have that. Mould yourself into who you need to be to get past this.
Easy, done! Simple, now let’s make a run for it, lest it catches up with the lie.

Ah, conflict. I really hate you so.

I should probably write a counterpart to this. I probably will. But on this one, Let the toxicity shine through, baby.

 

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By prinasieku

Consistent Audacity

I came to a conclusion a while back that one of the major differences of those that appear to be walking in their purpose and those that are still on the process or journey to discovering theirs is nothing but sheer audacity. Yes, audacity.
Critically thinking or let’s say a simple observation of those you admire or idolise: How did they get to where they are now? We could say hard work, talent, favour, it was their time e.t.c and you wouldn’t be wrong, neither would you be totally correct.

Now I found it quite fascinating that the most common thing they all have is that they dared to start. To try, to put themselves out there. Knowing that they may face judgement or criticism, despite the tag of war they had within themselves, they still did it. They had the audacity to do it. There’s a bit more to it, but before we get to that, I want to pose a challenge for you. As you look back at the former seasons of your life, ask yourself if you did everything you could for every moment and opportunity that presented itself.

And what about now? While planning all the new or greater, innovative ways to conquer this new season, this new year, are you truly prepared?
It’s not enough to have your goals written down, have a clear beautiful vision board, go to the lengths of meditation, pray, manifest all that and then some. If you want to truly achieve, grow and evolve to the clear vision you have in mind, then darling, it’s time to grow some extra set of balls.

No but really, the main agenda I’m trying to drill in your head right now is for you to be consistently audacious. Ah, there’s the other bit. Consistency. Part of me just eye-rolled on that one. Truth be told, most of us have a severe case of inconsistency. We have no problem coming up with grandiose plans. We even have enough fuel to jumpstart the vision. The mockery. As if to only prove it to ourselves for a brief moment, that hey! We can do this. It’s in us. If we wanted to, we could. Does the phrase sound familiar?

Now love, try applying it to yourself, because it is the truth. The only question that remains is, why are you stopping you? What self-hate theory are you trying to fulfill? Deal with it. In clear words, heal darling. We need to heal. It’ll help fuel us enough to consistently show up regardless of the many unforeseen circumstances life may throw at us.

Consistency and audacity, two sides of the same coin. I find this a simple cheat code to life. Not easy, but simple. Therefore, I implore us, that whenever we plan for our goals and vision, it’s best to be accompanied by a stubborn mind of, no matter what happens we’re going to persistently show up and push through. That, is consistency. Consistently audacious.

Put yourself out there for every opportunity you desire, every moment you yearn for, boldly fight for it by doing your very best at that time, over and over again. We already know it’s in us. If you can think about it? You can do it, or bloody well try. Come on stubborn mule! We got this. Consistent audacity is our theme onwards. Let’s Go!

 

 

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By prinasieku

Birthright

Lately I’ve been finding myself second-guessing every single move.

I’m too critical, too much. Too much doubt, too much hate, where do I draw the line?

I should award myself with a higher standard.

But all it does is leave me shattered.

I should be improving, however, I can’t help but find fault in everything.

Who’s to blame?

Maybe that’s the problem. That I try to place responsibility on someone, anyone, so long as it’s not me. It has to make sense. Things cannot just simply be. No, not where I am concerned. There has to be a reason, a purpose, meaning. It’s all connected. It has to be. Otherwise all that has happened thus far is futile.

I refuse to have wasted all that energy, all that fight to get me to where I am now, just for it to what?

Not matter? Not having a grander plan?

Is it pretentious of me? I think not.

Try walking in my shoes, overcome all that I have managed to, then call me pretentious. Oh yes, I am very much aware we all have our story. Something we’ve had to overcome. Some of us, we’re still in that process. However, when did standing up for myself, upholding my standard mean I am disrespecting or minimising yours?

If I don’t stand up for me. Who will?

It is not my fault that I choose to boldly fight for me. Am I too loud? I should apologise. Does my voice offend you? I should be aware of that. Does my presence defy you?

Well darling, I don’t know how I can be of help there.

The world has dragged me down one too many times for me to assist in bending and breaking myself just to fit around.

I confess, there was a time I wanted nothing else but to be part of it. One with all of it. Not to stand too loud, but feel like I am part of the crowd. Peace would fill my mind when I imagined that world. I craved for it. Almost obsessed over it.

 

But now, here we are. Me against the world? Well these days it feels like it’s me against me. I am my own enemy. There’s beauty and danger in being too self-aware. Makes you second guess your every move. Over-analysing and overthinking bears no difference. It is true what they say, ignorance is bliss.

Cause now, now I am left with this knowledge that it’s all on me. To fight, to break, to give grace, love and hate. All of this is on me. What I allow, what I don’t. What I give power, what I don’t. It’s all on me. A burden? A gift? Open to interpretation every single moment of everyday.

 

The least I can do is mute all else. Focus on myself. That way, if there’s a fight? I know it’s within. It doesn’t make it right, but at least love, we’ll be alright. We’ll find the light. Remember, we have authority. We got everything we need to set priority. You, me, us.

I call it, my birthright.

 

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By prinasieku

H.O.P.E

Crushed one too many times I fear that the one that will finally end us is me. That I’ll do it myself. Will I even notice? Will I recognize the hand twisting the knife one last time to be my own? Will it be an act of betrayal or mercy?

Maybe I’m accustomed to the darkness and pain. The endless cycle is repeating itself over and over and over, again. Was it all in vain?
Did we go through all that, fought through all that, survive all that, just to end here?

Really?! I can feel the righteous anger building. It’s blinding, crippling. Oh why am I still fighting?! Have I fully bought into the four letter word that seems to mock my very existence? Hope.
Maybe in an alternate reality where I seem to camp these days more often than not, this is what it means to have hope.

Heartbreak. Cause I’ve had a couple of those. Does it still count if you’ve been broken more than enough times, one would say beyond recognition? Cause honestly I stopped counting. I recognize the feeling now. I know not where it ends and I begin. It left me feeling out of place.

Outcast. Yeah, I’ve always battled with this. Always struggled to fit-in, be part of something that got me, understood me, embraced me. All of me. Sad isn’t it? Well, it’s part of life. Look closely enough and you’ll see everyone is struggling with this. In their own way, we all feel out of place, alone.

Pessimist. I shouldn’t laugh, but my oh my did I build a whole defence mechanism into being a pessimist.
The worst can always happen therefore, prepare for it! Expect it! That way darling, when it does happen, you won’t be too surprised, too hurt, too broken. You’ll be fine! You saw it coming anyway so what are you so moppy about?! Ah this toxic relationship with self, fuelled me. Feed into the obsessive hunger of need for control.

Emotional. I think this one doesn’t need much explanation. Self explanatory, the intensity of having feelings. Too much emotion? Extreme or otherwise, if it consumes you, overwhelms you to the point of almost causing blindness to your situation. Darling you’re emotional.

If that’s what we call hope then yes, I do have hope. Surely there’s nothing wrong with that right? I doubt I am the only one subscribed to this definition. Built my whole existence on it. Ah yes, I can’t help but think that questioning myself like this, further supports the whole theory.
I am curious though, what’s on the other side of it? The same word but a different meaning. How does it feel to have that. Live in that;
Hope.

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By prinasieku

Inner child: pt. 2

I miss the days I was part of you. When you didn’t have to fight so hard to include me, hear me, be with me. All of me. I know we’ve been through a lot and that’s part of the reason we are who we are. You mean well, I know you do. Once bitten twice shy? Well more like a thousand shy. Lol. You’ve locked us up so tight I forgot how to breathe on my own. You do it for me now. You do it for us. All of it. How we look at the world, how we approach/avoid situations that bears the slightest resemblance of what hurt us. What changed us. I feel you. You want to gain control back. Our power. However, your determination often confuses me with vengeance.

Please let me out.

Remember when it used to be us? Just us? Our dreams, fears, hope, love, laughter, life. It was us. All that existed for us. I know that it may be a little foggy for you but it all burns alive in me. I don’t know when the shift happened, when it became only you. But at times I find myself angry. Angry at you for leaving me. Neglecting me. I know you mean well, you really do, but I am still here. I wish you’d let me out.

Please be careful. Don’t turn us into the people we feared, those that hurt us. You may not see it clearly but we’ve changed. Change can be good. But our change, neglects me. How I wish I coexisted with you. The only time you’re comfortable letting me out is when you believe you can hurt them more than they could, us. That at any sense of danger, it won’t take much for us to pack, leave even destroy if need be. I know you mean well, you really do. But this need for control is slowly ruining us. Making choices based on how much power we can have is no way to live. Please. Listen to me. Let me out.

I am not brushing off what happened, all that we’ve been through, neither am I taking light of your current ambitions and plans. I only ask that you see me, hear me, acknowledge me. I can help us. If you let me. I know I remind you of the pain, of what we lost, but I also come with hope, true joy of what we can be. What we always wanted to be. It may appear different now but we can figure it out. Together. Feel it all. Please, let me out.

The pain, hurt, betrayal are not the only thing i represent. I am so much more than that. You know it. Give me a chance to show you what we can have, what we can be, all that we are. Please believe me. You need me. I know you can kill us off completely if need be. You’d be alive but not really living. Sometimes more often than you’d ever admit you’re tempted to do just that. But I am still here. Desperately calling out to you. Begging, pleading, crying that you hear me, see me, feel me. Please.
Let me out.

With love,

Your inner child.

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By prinasieku

Inner child: pt.1

We’ve been fighting for so long. Every experience chipping away something from me. I don’t feel the same. I’ve changed. What do I do when I look in the mirror and I’m met with a brokenness that I don’t want to recognise. I have lost who I was. I’ve lost myself. Things are not how they’re supposed to be.

What do I do? Who do I run to when no one sees me. I don’t recognise my own self. Who do I trust when I don’t trust my own self? Doubts cloud my mind. I’m now chipping away at myself. Damaging the only shell that’s left. I’ve only got myself. No one is coming. No one can find me. They don’t know. I am far from who they see. Far from who they believe. Empty. Full of life or full of strife? All I know is that I have to fight. Reach out and try to save my inner child. They need to be seen. Need to be felt. To be believed, protected and healed. A chance to live. For without them, I am nothing. It’s all meaningless. We’re worth it. Come on darling, we got this. Look up. Fix your lense. It’s time we clean up this mess.

Love,

You.

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By prinasieku

Forgiveness

This one has haunted me. For a while now. Ever had something you knew you had to do, but for the life of you couldn’t explain why you’re not doing it? This was me with writing today’s topic of discussion: Forgiveness. I have struggled with the act itself for a long time now. It’s easy to say ‘forgive’. Most of us have heard the phrase: Forgive and forget. It’s annoying isn’t it? No? Good for you.

 

Truth is, I am grateful that I’m at a better point in my life where I understand what forgiveness is, all that entails and how to go about it. It would be incredibly selfish of me not to share the little knowledge I’ve acquired thus far, so here goes!

 

Forgiveness, in simple terms is letting go of resentment, negative emotions towards a person/yourself/group that has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness or not.

Hopefully the definition makes it clear on what is required. I don’t know about you, but for the longest time it was a paradox trying to figure out how to gauge if I’ve forgiven or not. For some reason I had built a whole complex situation around it. I suppose I wasn’t ready. But, here we are.

Without further ado, I present you: The guide/steps to forgiveness.

 

1.) Awareness and acknowledgement.

Stop running/hiding/distracting yourself from the fact that there’s a problem. You’ve been hurt/betrayed. Recognise your feelings about the situation. Don’t try to mask your emotions. Feel them, be aware of them. As you do this, you’re acknowledging the situation and yourself.

 

2.) Comparison.

Now we often do this unintentionally/unknowingly. Replay what has happened and try to re-create reality with ‘should haves’/’if only’ and the likes. It’s a painful and tiring affair. It never changes anything, only consumes your energy, time and is a distraction from dealing with the situation. The phrase ‘It is what it is’ comes to mind. They are who they are/they did what they did. No amount of wishing it didn’t happen can ever change that.

 

3.) Boundaries.

This is where you need to show up for yourself. Do the guarding and protecting from further harm. The best way to do this is by creating boundaries. Know thyself i.e: Your values, principles, what you can handle, what you cannot handle, protect you at all costs. I’m a firm believer that the measures we take to protect our peace, are never too extreme. The best fortitude you can build is within your mind. Yes it’s great if you’re in a position to move far away from those that hurt you but life has a funny way of reminding/confronting you with that which you’re trying to escape from, if you don’t deal with it.

 

Unfortunately, for most of us the people we need to forgive are those closest to us on a daily basis. Hence the love from a distance cannot apply. Unless, you apply the distance within your mind. It is possible. E.g: Limit your energy and the time you spend with them to what is necessary for the relationship. If it’s your work/family. Don’t overextend yourself.

Additional note: Creating boundaries will protect you from further situations that cause you harm.

Extra additional note: If the person you need to forgive is yourself? Set boundaries from the negative emotions/thought process you’ve created. That toxic conversation you have with you? It’s not criticism, you somewhere blurred the lines and now it’s self-hate. Allow the vulnerable and broken part of you to have a fair voice. They deserve peace. They deserve forgiveness too.

 

4.) Re-focus.

Forgiveness has to do with letting go. Stop holding on. The best way to do this is by re-focusing your time, energy and thoughts from them. Filling up the space/emptiness/void they created/left when they did what they did, with new self-care activities: i.e hobbies, journaling, physical activity, traveling, wait a minute! How can I forget the mother of all self-care activities?! Shame on me. Therapy people! Therapy greatly helps. (Shameless plug: contact us for the best guide and help for therapy services.)

 

Conclusion.

I’ve never come across an actual guide to forgiveness. I am sure they exist, somewhere. However, the above is one of the straightforward guides you’ll come across. Practice as often as possible and you’ll eventually get the hang of it. Practice with your delivery person the next time they delay your order. The ‘small’ stuff does amount to something. Building your fortitude remember? Re-wire your brain into creating a habit and eventually you won’t have to fight yourself too much when going through the process of forgiveness.

There! The best gift I can give you. It’s unmatched isn’t it?! You’re welcome, beautiful soul.

 

Love,

 

Pri.

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By prinasieku

Real talk: Human nature

I am very good at justifying myself. In painting a strong case without any reasonable doubt that indeed, I am not to be blamed.
However, at the end of the day. I know the truth.
I remember listening to a powerful poem a few weeks ago and it’s stuck on my mind every single day since.
A line that struck a chord or more so slapped me hard in the face that I am still trying to recover. It was:
“And I know I’m not doing well when the poems come naturally because apparently I’m not a good enough writer to capture life’s happiness”

Yeah, I am a recovering overthinker and this, this right here led me to backtrack every single piece I’ve ever written. Ever since high-school, every little thing I’ve written has been drawn from pain, sadness, longing. It is funny but at the end of the day it really isn’t. What does that say about me? I’m a therapist but before all that, I am human.
Maybe the problem is that I try to look at every little thing under the microscope of who I think I am perceived as. Who I am expected to be. What fits right.

I have a feeling I digress from my original train of thought. Yes, not being able to write from a happy stand point. Even when I am doing well and I want to write something, I have to draw from something heart-wrenching, emotional. Whether that means I play sad music, a well-known emotional show, whatever it takes to get me to that head space. That is what I am used to. It flows easily, naturally. I am comfortable with pain. It knows me, I know it, we understand each other.

And I think unfortunately most of us have that. A feeling that we’re so used to that even when we’re healed and there’s nothing wrong with our life, we find ourselves gravitating unconsciously back to it. Sadness, chaos, fear. It’s your friend. You’ve camped with them for the most part of your life that letting it go, turns to a toxic cycle where it is difficult. Maybe we’ve convinced ourselves it’s impossible to go on with life without it. That all you had to do was to get a grasp of it, manage it. Otherwise, there’s no harm right? There’s no harm. Yes? No? I don’t know.

Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to work on it, figure it out. What isn’t broken doesn’t need fixing. Oh this is wrong. This is so wrong. But come on, nobody’s perfect. What would happen if I dealt with all my issues and was perfectly healed? Perfection. No, I can’t put that much pressure on people. They have to relate to me. I have to leave a little bit of imperfection so that I don’t turn into a condescending, judgemental, human being.
I laugh at myself. This thought process is funny, I am funny. But then again, this is real talk. Unfiltered, honest, real talk. Maybe I should do more of this. I love how right now, words are flowing easily. I don’t have to think about how I need to cater to every single personality that reads my piece. I can just be free, at this moment, me.

I know I haven’t solved anything with all I’ve just said, but that was not the point. I don’t know what the point was however, like I love to say, the first step is awareness and acknowledgement. The rest, we’ll figure it out. Before any strategy, you need to know what you’re working with. Hopefully this encourages you to look at your own spec. What is that not-so-healthy emotion, feeling, that you’ve gotten comfortable with? Want to do something about it? For me, the verdict is still out on that one. However, now that I’ve made it public? I doubt I have a choice. But that’s an issue for another day. Hey! Progress, not perfection. That’s been my latest mantra. I won’t commit to anything, but I hope to see you soon.

Love,

Me.

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By prinasieku

Faking it

When did we start equating our worth by how much we’re accepted, needed, valued. We want so badly for people to not recognize our flaws, weakness, and humanity. How much do we spend on covering it up? The lengths we go to, denying and hiding our true self to maintain the image we label, perfection. We know it’s unattainable yet we still invest in it. Our time, energy, if possible, money. It is draining and suffocating trying to maintain this life, but we choose it. We give it power, feed into it, hence, we choose it. Whether driven by greed, fear, whatever it is, was your choice. To fake it.

It’s not that bad. We’ve done it most of our lives, it’s become almost as easy as breathing. As kids we’re conditioned that certain behaviour wields favourable results. Through observation, imitation of those around us, they shape for better or worse who we mould into. I guess if we are to award blame we could easily wash away the guilt and responsibility of who we are. The imperfect version is us. The if only notions could justify who we’ve become. It relieves the pressure. I can breathe a little better, even if it’s just for a moment. Self-pity turns to self-righteousness. I am owed, I was dealt the wrong card, it’s unfair.

It’s funny but when you think about it, most of us are driven by anger. There’s pain, but more-so anger. Anger of what we falsely believe to have happened wrongly. Maybe that’s why we religiously commit to right the wrong. Try to fix aspects of us, our environment, thinking that if we tweaked it a bit better, control this and that, it would all be different. It can all turn around. I can make up for what I never had, what I lost. Knowingly/unknowingly, we start faking it. Forcing ourselves into self-defined perfection, simultaneously dedicating to hiding and ridding our imperfection.

Would it be that bad if we chose to let go? Stopped maintaining, sustaining and hiding that which exhausts our soul. Unattainable standards that slowly rips and sinks us into a deep dark hole that seems to have no way out. It got a bit dark there, but it’s true. We’re slowly but surely betraying ourselves. Every time we choose to hide, we ridicule aspects of us that we’re ashamed of. Our flaws, imperfections. We will never be able to fully overcome unless we break the cycle. Otherwise, your life may accumulate to a series of faking it. Worse case scenario, you no-longer recognize yourself. You lose yourself to the point where you’ve sunk deeper and you don’t even know it. There’s no way out. It’s become your norm.

Your life.

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