By prinasieku

Conflict

I am not a fan of it. I try to avoid it like a plague if necessary. What do you do when you’ve done all the running and hiding, but it still catches up with you? There’s no escaping. It’s still there. Waiting. Kind of like a stare down contest. Who’s going to budge first? It’s plain obvious that it’s you.

You need to move. It’s in your way. Run in circles all you want but it’ll annoyingly jab at the back of your head until you finally give in. Conflict.
What about it do we detest it so?
The awkwardness? The unsettling out of place feeling? The exposure? Ah yes, that’s it. Being exposed. It rather strips you doesn’t it? When you address the conflict. The feeling of being naked, vulnerable, to the situation.

Oh and we hate that, don’t we?
We are human but don’t you dare imply that I have feelings? That I can be hurt? Embarrassed, in pain? Me? Show my weakness? Flaws? No no.. It’s okay if we imply that we all face that. As humans, rightfully so. But don’t go shining a spotlight on me!
I would much rather enjoy this delude state of sanity. Show everyone I am okay even when all I would rather do is scream, curse, fight. Burn it all to the ground. I am in pain, hurt, and ashamed. Feeling less than the image I portray.

I never really let my wounds heal. Perform a quick first-aid, so long as we’ve stopped the bleeding, let’s keep it moving. We got no time. The more time we give to it, the more we’re exposed. Tough it out! Walk it through. If you don’t think it, then it’ll not be it. So, avoid it, run away if you can. But, if all else fails, and the only way out is through? Then fake it darling! Don’t let it show how much it affects you. Under no circumstances are you to reveal your true feelings. No, we cannot have that. Mould yourself into who you need to be to get past this.
Easy, done! Simple, now let’s make a run for it, lest it catches up with the lie.

Ah, conflict. I really hate you so.

I should probably write a counterpart to this. I probably will. But on this one, Let the toxicity shine through, baby.

 

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By prinasieku

Consistent Audacity

I came to a conclusion a while back that one of the major differences of those that appear to be walking in their purpose and those that are still on the process or journey to discovering theirs is nothing but sheer audacity. Yes, audacity.
Critically thinking or let’s say a simple observation of those you admire or idolise: How did they get to where they are now? We could say hard work, talent, favour, it was their time e.t.c and you wouldn’t be wrong, neither would you be totally correct.

Now I found it quite fascinating that the most common thing they all have is that they dared to start. To try, to put themselves out there. Knowing that they may face judgement or criticism, despite the tag of war they had within themselves, they still did it. They had the audacity to do it. There’s a bit more to it, but before we get to that, I want to pose a challenge for you. As you look back at the former seasons of your life, ask yourself if you did everything you could for every moment and opportunity that presented itself.

And what about now? While planning all the new or greater, innovative ways to conquer this new season, this new year, are you truly prepared?
It’s not enough to have your goals written down, have a clear beautiful vision board, go to the lengths of meditation, pray, manifest all that and then some. If you want to truly achieve, grow and evolve to the clear vision you have in mind, then darling, it’s time to grow some extra set of balls.

No but really, the main agenda I’m trying to drill in your head right now is for you to be consistently audacious. Ah, there’s the other bit. Consistency. Part of me just eye-rolled on that one. Truth be told, most of us have a severe case of inconsistency. We have no problem coming up with grandiose plans. We even have enough fuel to jumpstart the vision. The mockery. As if to only prove it to ourselves for a brief moment, that hey! We can do this. It’s in us. If we wanted to, we could. Does the phrase sound familiar?

Now love, try applying it to yourself, because it is the truth. The only question that remains is, why are you stopping you? What self-hate theory are you trying to fulfill? Deal with it. In clear words, heal darling. We need to heal. It’ll help fuel us enough to consistently show up regardless of the many unforeseen circumstances life may throw at us.

Consistency and audacity, two sides of the same coin. I find this a simple cheat code to life. Not easy, but simple. Therefore, I implore us, that whenever we plan for our goals and vision, it’s best to be accompanied by a stubborn mind of, no matter what happens we’re going to persistently show up and push through. That, is consistency. Consistently audacious.

Put yourself out there for every opportunity you desire, every moment you yearn for, boldly fight for it by doing your very best at that time, over and over again. We already know it’s in us. If you can think about it? You can do it, or bloody well try. Come on stubborn mule! We got this. Consistent audacity is our theme onwards. Let’s Go!

 

 

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By prinasieku

Birthright

Lately I’ve been finding myself second-guessing every single move.

I’m too critical, too much. Too much doubt, too much hate, where do I draw the line?

I should award myself with a higher standard.

But all it does is leave me shattered.

I should be improving, however, I can’t help but find fault in everything.

Who’s to blame?

Maybe that’s the problem. That I try to place responsibility on someone, anyone, so long as it’s not me. It has to make sense. Things cannot just simply be. No, not where I am concerned. There has to be a reason, a purpose, meaning. It’s all connected. It has to be. Otherwise all that has happened thus far is futile.

I refuse to have wasted all that energy, all that fight to get me to where I am now, just for it to what?

Not matter? Not having a grander plan?

Is it pretentious of me? I think not.

Try walking in my shoes, overcome all that I have managed to, then call me pretentious. Oh yes, I am very much aware we all have our story. Something we’ve had to overcome. Some of us, we’re still in that process. However, when did standing up for myself, upholding my standard mean I am disrespecting or minimising yours?

If I don’t stand up for me. Who will?

It is not my fault that I choose to boldly fight for me. Am I too loud? I should apologise. Does my voice offend you? I should be aware of that. Does my presence defy you?

Well darling, I don’t know how I can be of help there.

The world has dragged me down one too many times for me to assist in bending and breaking myself just to fit around.

I confess, there was a time I wanted nothing else but to be part of it. One with all of it. Not to stand too loud, but feel like I am part of the crowd. Peace would fill my mind when I imagined that world. I craved for it. Almost obsessed over it.

 

But now, here we are. Me against the world? Well these days it feels like it’s me against me. I am my own enemy. There’s beauty and danger in being too self-aware. Makes you second guess your every move. Over-analysing and overthinking bears no difference. It is true what they say, ignorance is bliss.

Cause now, now I am left with this knowledge that it’s all on me. To fight, to break, to give grace, love and hate. All of this is on me. What I allow, what I don’t. What I give power, what I don’t. It’s all on me. A burden? A gift? Open to interpretation every single moment of everyday.

 

The least I can do is mute all else. Focus on myself. That way, if there’s a fight? I know it’s within. It doesn’t make it right, but at least love, we’ll be alright. We’ll find the light. Remember, we have authority. We got everything we need to set priority. You, me, us.

I call it, my birthright.

 

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By prinasieku

H.O.P.E

Crushed one too many times I fear that the one that will finally end us is me. That I’ll do it myself. Will I even notice? Will I recognize the hand twisting the knife one last time to be my own? Will it be an act of betrayal or mercy?

Maybe I’m accustomed to the darkness and pain. The endless cycle is repeating itself over and over and over, again. Was it all in vain?
Did we go through all that, fought through all that, survive all that, just to end here?

Really?! I can feel the righteous anger building. It’s blinding, crippling. Oh why am I still fighting?! Have I fully bought into the four letter word that seems to mock my very existence? Hope.
Maybe in an alternate reality where I seem to camp these days more often than not, this is what it means to have hope.

Heartbreak. Cause I’ve had a couple of those. Does it still count if you’ve been broken more than enough times, one would say beyond recognition? Cause honestly I stopped counting. I recognize the feeling now. I know not where it ends and I begin. It left me feeling out of place.

Outcast. Yeah, I’ve always battled with this. Always struggled to fit-in, be part of something that got me, understood me, embraced me. All of me. Sad isn’t it? Well, it’s part of life. Look closely enough and you’ll see everyone is struggling with this. In their own way, we all feel out of place, alone.

Pessimist. I shouldn’t laugh, but my oh my did I build a whole defence mechanism into being a pessimist.
The worst can always happen therefore, prepare for it! Expect it! That way darling, when it does happen, you won’t be too surprised, too hurt, too broken. You’ll be fine! You saw it coming anyway so what are you so moppy about?! Ah this toxic relationship with self, fuelled me. Feed into the obsessive hunger of need for control.

Emotional. I think this one doesn’t need much explanation. Self explanatory, the intensity of having feelings. Too much emotion? Extreme or otherwise, if it consumes you, overwhelms you to the point of almost causing blindness to your situation. Darling you’re emotional.

If that’s what we call hope then yes, I do have hope. Surely there’s nothing wrong with that right? I doubt I am the only one subscribed to this definition. Built my whole existence on it. Ah yes, I can’t help but think that questioning myself like this, further supports the whole theory.
I am curious though, what’s on the other side of it? The same word but a different meaning. How does it feel to have that. Live in that;
Hope.

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By prinasieku

Forgiveness

This one has haunted me. For a while now. Ever had something you knew you had to do, but for the life of you couldn’t explain why you’re not doing it? This was me with writing today’s topic of discussion: Forgiveness. I have struggled with the act itself for a long time now. It’s easy to say ‘forgive’. Most of us have heard the phrase: Forgive and forget. It’s annoying isn’t it? No? Good for you.

 

Truth is, I am grateful that I’m at a better point in my life where I understand what forgiveness is, all that entails and how to go about it. It would be incredibly selfish of me not to share the little knowledge I’ve acquired thus far, so here goes!

 

Forgiveness, in simple terms is letting go of resentment, negative emotions towards a person/yourself/group that has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness or not.

Hopefully the definition makes it clear on what is required. I don’t know about you, but for the longest time it was a paradox trying to figure out how to gauge if I’ve forgiven or not. For some reason I had built a whole complex situation around it. I suppose I wasn’t ready. But, here we are.

Without further ado, I present you: The guide/steps to forgiveness.

 

1.) Awareness and acknowledgement.

Stop running/hiding/distracting yourself from the fact that there’s a problem. You’ve been hurt/betrayed. Recognise your feelings about the situation. Don’t try to mask your emotions. Feel them, be aware of them. As you do this, you’re acknowledging the situation and yourself.

 

2.) Comparison.

Now we often do this unintentionally/unknowingly. Replay what has happened and try to re-create reality with ‘should haves’/’if only’ and the likes. It’s a painful and tiring affair. It never changes anything, only consumes your energy, time and is a distraction from dealing with the situation. The phrase ‘It is what it is’ comes to mind. They are who they are/they did what they did. No amount of wishing it didn’t happen can ever change that.

 

3.) Boundaries.

This is where you need to show up for yourself. Do the guarding and protecting from further harm. The best way to do this is by creating boundaries. Know thyself i.e: Your values, principles, what you can handle, what you cannot handle, protect you at all costs. I’m a firm believer that the measures we take to protect our peace, are never too extreme. The best fortitude you can build is within your mind. Yes it’s great if you’re in a position to move far away from those that hurt you but life has a funny way of reminding/confronting you with that which you’re trying to escape from, if you don’t deal with it.

 

Unfortunately, for most of us the people we need to forgive are those closest to us on a daily basis. Hence the love from a distance cannot apply. Unless, you apply the distance within your mind. It is possible. E.g: Limit your energy and the time you spend with them to what is necessary for the relationship. If it’s your work/family. Don’t overextend yourself.

Additional note: Creating boundaries will protect you from further situations that cause you harm.

Extra additional note: If the person you need to forgive is yourself? Set boundaries from the negative emotions/thought process you’ve created. That toxic conversation you have with you? It’s not criticism, you somewhere blurred the lines and now it’s self-hate. Allow the vulnerable and broken part of you to have a fair voice. They deserve peace. They deserve forgiveness too.

 

4.) Re-focus.

Forgiveness has to do with letting go. Stop holding on. The best way to do this is by re-focusing your time, energy and thoughts from them. Filling up the space/emptiness/void they created/left when they did what they did, with new self-care activities: i.e hobbies, journaling, physical activity, traveling, wait a minute! How can I forget the mother of all self-care activities?! Shame on me. Therapy people! Therapy greatly helps. (Shameless plug: contact us for the best guide and help for therapy services.)

 

Conclusion.

I’ve never come across an actual guide to forgiveness. I am sure they exist, somewhere. However, the above is one of the straightforward guides you’ll come across. Practice as often as possible and you’ll eventually get the hang of it. Practice with your delivery person the next time they delay your order. The ‘small’ stuff does amount to something. Building your fortitude remember? Re-wire your brain into creating a habit and eventually you won’t have to fight yourself too much when going through the process of forgiveness.

There! The best gift I can give you. It’s unmatched isn’t it?! You’re welcome, beautiful soul.

 

Love,

 

Pri.

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