Is it with pity or rage that I find myself brimming with tears, that have long lost its meaning.
Look around, what do you see?
Swiftly turn your gaze, there, don’t break contact. This is who we attract.
Shame, disgust, let’s run far away.
It’s not supposed to be this way.
Remember, we made a pact, to never detach from those eyes. It’s a fact that we cannot escape. With all the pain and injustice inflicted on us, how is it that the biggest apology we’re owed is from our own, self?
We promised to be more tender, no more childlike benders. We deal with it, all of it. Even if we break, we still don’t hate. We promised! Remember?
We mourn for a could have been memory but never burn, our very own future history.
So why, why are we here yet again?
This cycle, is it now our lover? Deep rooted in our blood, will we never break from this rut?
Is the only way out death?
Death to self or death to life? Careful we don’t mix the two. Even if no one will miss us too. For the inner child cry, this time let’s say I do.
I do, I do life, I do pain, I do hate, I do grace, I do fail, I do pray. I do. For you, each and every day I do. Let the tears fall, let our hearts call,
What is this season of your life trying to teach you? I saw this question the other day scrolling on my socials. I paused and took a moment to think about it. Then it came to me.
I’ve written a new blog in my head over a hundred times for the past couple of months but never quite got to actualising it. Procrastination? Self-sabotage? Laziness? I could come up with a thousand adjectives to name my lack of consistency, express myself with beautifully coloured excuses, justify myself with the best defense I know. But the simple truth is, I’ve not been prioritising it.
All that time I spent thinking and formulating new informative ideas for this blog, what do I have to show for it?!
I’m borderline beating myself up at the moment. However, who does that serve? Really, who? Nobody! That’s who. The world is already finding new creative ways to beat me down so why in the heavens am I assisting it?
If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar thought-process, I challenge you to ask yourself that as well. Who does it benefit? The negative self-talk sprinkled with self-hate and wrapped in the conviction that it’s nothing but criticism.
Well, honey, let’s get help. We have to do better. In truth, if we cannot be at home within our own self, where will we sustainably get it? Loneliness is the only befitting choice.
I have highly digressed. I was talking about how I feel I wasn’t prioritising this blog. Which ties with what I discovered when I paused and thought on the question ‘what is this season trying to teach me?’ One key element is:
Focus. Focusing on what matters. Focusing on what truly matters for this season. It helps if you sieve out all that you think should matter and narrow it down to what stands between where you are right now, to where you want to go.
Now, whatever your answer (s) will be on the question ‘what is this season of your life trying to teach you?’, word of advice? Figure it out fast. Work on it asap.
Otherwise, you’ll find yourself constantly going through that cycle over and over again. It may change its shape, colour or pattern. But if you never address the issue and work on it, it’ll find new ways to present itself at different intervals of your life, till you nail it. Or you don’t, and that’s the rhythm to the drum of your life.
I’ll let you marinate on that.
Perhaps I’ll be sharing ways we can break the cycle from consuming us. For now, I ask you darling, what do you feel this season of your life is trying to teach you?
Lately I’ve been finding myself second-guessing every single move.
I’m too critical, too much. Too much doubt, too much hate, where do I draw the line?
I should award myself with a higher standard.
But all it does is leave me shattered.
I should be improving, however, I can’t help but find fault in everything.
Who’s to blame?
Maybe that’s the problem. That I try to place responsibility on someone, anyone, so long as it’s not me. It has to make sense. Things cannot just simply be. No, not where I am concerned. There has to be a reason, a purpose, meaning. It’s all connected. It has to be. Otherwise all that has happened thus far is futile.
I refuse to have wasted all that energy, all that fight to get me to where I am now, just for it to what?
Not matter? Not having a grander plan?
Is it pretentious of me? I think not.
Try walking in my shoes, overcome all that I have managed to, then call me pretentious. Oh yes, I am very much aware we all have our story. Something we’ve had to overcome. Some of us, we’re still in that process. However, when did standing up for myself, upholding my standard mean I am disrespecting or minimising yours?
If I don’t stand up for me. Who will?
It is not my fault that I choose to boldly fight for me. Am I too loud? I should apologise. Does my voice offend you? I should be aware of that. Does my presence defy you?
Well darling, I don’t know how I can be of help there.
The world has dragged me down one too many times for me to assist in bending and breaking myself just to fit around.
I confess, there was a time I wanted nothing else but to be part of it. One with all of it. Not to stand too loud, but feel like I am part of the crowd. Peace would fill my mind when I imagined that world. I craved for it. Almost obsessed over it.
But now, here we are. Me against the world? Well these days it feels like it’s me against me. I am my own enemy. There’s beauty and danger in being too self-aware. Makes you second guess your every move. Over-analysing and overthinking bears no difference. It is true what they say, ignorance is bliss.
Cause now, now I am left with this knowledge that it’s all on me. To fight, to break, to give grace, love and hate. All of this is on me. What I allow, what I don’t. What I give power, what I don’t. It’s all on me. A burden? A gift? Open to interpretation every single moment of everyday.
The least I can do is mute all else. Focus on myself. That way, if there’s a fight? I know it’s within. It doesn’t make it right, but at least love, we’ll be alright. We’ll find the light. Remember, we have authority. We got everything we need to set priority. You, me, us.
I miss the days I was part of you. When you didn’t have to fight so hard to include me, hear me, be with me. All of me. I know we’ve been through a lot and that’s part of the reason we are who we are. You mean well, I know you do. Once bitten twice shy? Well more like a thousand shy. Lol. You’ve locked us up so tight I forgot how to breathe on my own. You do it for me now. You do it for us. All of it. How we look at the world, how we approach/avoid situations that bears the slightest resemblance of what hurt us. What changed us. I feel you. You want to gain control back. Our power. However, your determination often confuses me with vengeance.
Please let me out.
Remember when it used to be us? Just us? Our dreams, fears, hope, love, laughter, life. It was us. All that existed for us. I know that it may be a little foggy for you but it all burns alive in me. I don’t know when the shift happened, when it became only you. But at times I find myself angry. Angry at you for leaving me. Neglecting me. I know you mean well, you really do, but I am still here. I wish you’d let me out.
Please be careful. Don’t turn us into the people we feared, those that hurt us. You may not see it clearly but we’ve changed. Change can be good. But our change, neglects me. How I wish I coexisted with you. The only time you’re comfortable letting me out is when you believe you can hurt them more than they could, us. That at any sense of danger, it won’t take much for us to pack, leave even destroy if need be. I know you mean well, you really do. But this need for control is slowly ruining us. Making choices based on how much power we can have is no way to live. Please. Listen to me. Let me out.
I am not brushing off what happened, all that we’ve been through, neither am I taking light of your current ambitions and plans. I only ask that you see me, hear me, acknowledge me. I can help us. If you let me. I know I remind you of the pain, of what we lost, but I also come with hope, true joy of what we can be. What we always wanted to be. It may appear different now but we can figure it out. Together. Feel it all. Please, let me out.
The pain, hurt, betrayal are not the only thing i represent. I am so much more than that. You know it. Give me a chance to show you what we can have, what we can be, all that we are. Please believe me. You need me. I know you can kill us off completely if need be. You’d be alive but not really living. Sometimes more often than you’d ever admit you’re tempted to do just that. But I am still here. Desperately calling out to you. Begging, pleading, crying that you hear me, see me, feel me. Please.
Let me out.
This one has haunted me. For a while now. Ever had something you knew you had to do, but for the life of you couldn’t explain why you’re not doing it? This was me with writing today’s topic of discussion: Forgiveness. I have struggled with the act itself for a long time now. It’s easy to say ‘forgive’. Most of us have heard the phrase: Forgive and forget. It’s annoying isn’t it? No? Good for you.
Truth is, I am grateful that I’m at a better point in my life where I understand what forgiveness is, all that entails and how to go about it. It would be incredibly selfish of me not to share the little knowledge I’ve acquired thus far, so here goes!
Forgiveness, in simple terms is letting go of resentment, negative emotions towards a person/yourself/group that has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness or not.
Hopefully the definition makes it clear on what is required. I don’t know about you, but for the longest time it was a paradox trying to figure out how to gauge if I’ve forgiven or not. For some reason I had built a whole complex situation around it. I suppose I wasn’t ready. But, here we are.
Without further ado, I present you: The guide/steps to forgiveness.
1.) Awareness and acknowledgement.
Stop running/hiding/distracting yourself from the fact that there’s a problem. You’ve been hurt/betrayed. Recognise your feelings about the situation. Don’t try to mask your emotions. Feel them, be aware of them. As you do this, you’re acknowledging the situation and yourself.
2.) Comparison.
Now we often do this unintentionally/unknowingly. Replay what has happened and try to re-create reality with ‘should haves’/’if only’ and the likes. It’s a painful and tiring affair. It never changes anything, only consumes your energy, time and is a distraction from dealing with the situation. The phrase ‘It is what it is’ comes to mind. They are who they are/they did what they did. No amount of wishing it didn’t happen can ever change that.
3.) Boundaries.
This is where you need to show up for yourself. Do the guarding and protecting from further harm. The best way to do this is by creating boundaries. Know thyself i.e: Your values, principles, what you can handle, what you cannot handle, protect you at all costs. I’m a firm believer that the measures we take to protect our peace, are never too extreme. The best fortitude you can build is within your mind. Yes it’s great if you’re in a position to move far away from those that hurt you but life has a funny way of reminding/confronting you with that which you’re trying to escape from, if you don’t deal with it.
Unfortunately, for most of us the people we need to forgive are those closest to us on a daily basis. Hence the love from a distance cannot apply. Unless, you apply the distance within your mind. It is possible. E.g: Limit your energy and the time you spend with them to what is necessary for the relationship. If it’s your work/family. Don’t overextend yourself.
Additional note: Creating boundaries will protect you from further situations that cause you harm.
Extra additional note: If the person you need to forgive is yourself? Set boundaries from the negative emotions/thought process you’ve created. That toxic conversation you have with you? It’s not criticism, you somewhere blurred the lines and now it’s self-hate. Allow the vulnerable and broken part of you to have a fair voice. They deserve peace. They deserve forgiveness too.
4.) Re-focus.
Forgiveness has to do with letting go. Stop holding on. The best way to do this is by re-focusing your time, energy and thoughts from them. Filling up the space/emptiness/void they created/left when they did what they did, with new self-care activities: i.e hobbies, journaling, physical activity, traveling, wait a minute! How can I forget the mother of all self-care activities?! Shame on me. Therapy people! Therapy greatly helps. (Shameless plug: contact us for the best guide and help for therapy services.)
Conclusion.
I’ve never come across an actual guide to forgiveness. I am sure they exist, somewhere. However, the above is one of the straightforward guides you’ll come across. Practice as often as possible and you’ll eventually get the hang of it. Practice with your delivery person the next time they delay your order. The ‘small’ stuff does amount to something. Building your fortitude remember? Re-wire your brain into creating a habit and eventually you won’t have to fight yourself too much when going through the process of forgiveness.
There! The best gift I can give you. It’s unmatched isn’t it?! You’re welcome, beautiful soul.
